The Perils of Perseveration

The last two weeks we invited another child, whom I will call Dmitri, on the autism spectrum to participate in Singularity's ABA therapy. We have known Dmitri from a bit of a distance, ever since he and Singularity attended the same preschool. Dmitri is 10 years old. Dmitri 's mom and I belong to the same group of moms of kids (all boys, averaging about 10 years old) who are on the spectrum. 

I believe that Dmitri 's official diagnosis is, under the old DSM, Asperger Syndrome. I guess that I assumed that Dmitri would, therefore, be less affected by autism than Singularity and be more like Edison. Spending time with Dmitri reminded me (yet again) that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. They are all so different! But I was surprised to see the ways in which Dmitri  is affected by Asperger Syndrome. 

When I saw Dmitri two weeks ago, he came into the house and immediately took my hand and wandered around looking at our house. I was very surprised that he he took my hand and didn't let go. Does that mean that he felt comfortable with me? It wasn't wrong, just unexpected.

Dmitri and Singularity share a special interest in the Wayside School series by Louis Sachar (books and an old Nickelodeon animated show which is now only available online). We, the two moms, thought that this might be the seed for a friendship between the two boys. 

Another of Dmitri 's special interests is another animated cartoon. After their conversation about Wayside School had run its course, and we had determined that Dmitri prefers the books, while Singularity prefers the animated series, Dmitri was asked to share something else that he enjoys, so we all watched an episode of his favorite cartoon. 

So, last week, on Dmitri 's second visit to Singularity's ABA session, Dmitri became extremely stuck on his favorite cartoon. When it was time for him to leave, he really, really, REALLY wanted to know who my favorite character was. Between you and me, I don't have much of an opinion about the characters, as I had only seen three episodes of the show. I told Dmitri that I would need to think about it and maybe watch more episodes and then give him my answer the next time I saw him. He asked me several more times, and I just didn't have an answer. 

And he started to melt down. I didn't know what to do. Should I make up an answer? Should I just reassure him that I would give him an answer the next time I saw him? I think that I know what I would do with my own child, but I do not know how this other child works! I looked to his mom and at our behavioral interventionist for some guidance, but they didn't seem to know what to do either. 

(stock image from www.dreamstime.com)

And before I knew it, Dmitri had kicked, hit and bit me! 

At that point, Dmitri 's mom hustled him out of the house, so that he could calm down. He returned a little while later with his younger brother, to apologize for biting me. Which he did, and then insisted that I tell him who my favorite character was. (Incidentally, his 5-year-old brother told me that Dmitri had called me a "stinky asshole." It was all I could do to stop myself from laughing at that!) I tried to assure Dmitri that I wasn't upset with him, and I reiterated that I will tell him who my favorite character is the next time we meet. And he told me that he didn't trust me. 

Sigh. 

This episode was interesting for so many reasons. For one, it was a change of perspective for me to be the person the child's outburst was directed toward, rather than the parent of the child having the meltdown. Is this what it is like when others see Singularity during one of his infrequent meltdowns?

I also thought about the process of apologizing for wrongdoing and feelings of shame and humiliation. I was reminded of something that Carly Fleischmann wrote in Carly's Voice, which is that at the time she is in the middle of an outburst she does not have control over her actions. She knows that she is doing things that she is not supposed to do and tries to prevent herself by doing other things, such as head banging. And she is utterly mortified and ashamed when she breaks things or is aggressive toward others. 

I think that it is nigh impossible to get any kind of apology from a person - autistic or not - in the midst of a meltdown. I also think that trying to get an apology from a person in this state of meltdown adds to the humiliation that person may already feel, and I do not want them to have to feel any worse about what they have already done. I think that it is better for the person to be allowed to calm down and to let some time pass before discussing the unexpectedness of what they have done. 

Dmitri, I forgive you for biting me. I like you, and I am looking forward to getting to know you better. I hope that you will come back to our house soon. I wish that I had read you better and just told you something to ease your intense need to know.